‘A Turkey never voted for an early Christmas’
‘On St. Patrick’s Day I to pretend to be Irish. At Christmas I pretend to be good.’
‘I think after Christmas would be better for publication: I am hardly a Christmas present.’
‘There is a remarkable breakdown of taste and intelligence at Christmastime. Mature, responsible grown men wear neckties made of holly leaves and drink alcoholic beverages with raw egg yolks in them.’
‘I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.’
‘Our children await Christmas presents like politicians getting in election returns: there’s the Uncle Fred precinct and the Aunt Ruth district still to come in.’
The Holidays are the one time you get to experience all the excitement of rush hour traffic in the mall parking lot.
‘The principal advantage of the non-parental lifestyle is that on Christmas Eve you need not be struck dumb by the three most terrifying words that the Government allows to be printed on any product: Some assembly required.’
‘Sending Christmas cards is a good way to let your friends and family know that you think they’re worth the price of a stamp.
‘Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.’
‘There are 17 more shopping days until Christmas. So, guys, that means 16 more days till we start shopping, right?’
Zen Christmas: the gift of nothingness.